The day started with me literally crying over spilled milk - it's a boring story so I won't go into it. Most days begin with some minor drama these days and often tears - mine.
The other day I was cried while swimming
Another day I burst into tears parking the car at Waitrose
Then there were tears while I was waiting for Hubbie to get home from work and relieve me from childcare
I've told a few people that I think I'm having a breakdown and they either nod or change the topic. I'm not sure if they think I'm joking or if it is just to difficult to respond to that kind of honesty.
This is not what I expected.
When we spent all those years wishing and wanting to have a child and then he came along and it was just amazing, but hard work. Then we tried for another and the road was longer and even harder than before, but here we are parents to two amazing and beautiful boys. I posted status updates with those sappy comments about how hard it would be, but worth it.
So why doesn't this feel better ? Why does it feel like I'm going into battle every single day ? I love my children and my every waking thought is about keeping them safe and making them happy. Yet, I look forward to packing my older boy off to school and count the minutes until the baby is down for his nap so I can just have some time not being shouted at or having my hair pulled or asking, "what did you do to make your brother cry ?" My normal volume these days is always 'shouty Mummy.'
Frankly I don't think I'm cut out for this. I keep reminding myself what other Mums tell me and hold onto the pearls of wisdom they've gained from being where I am right now.
"There will be shouting, a lot of it." - Yasmin, mum to 2 boys
"You have 2 children under 5, you are doing a great job." - Shirley mum to 2 grown up boys
"Boys are like dogs, you need to run them around every day or they will tear your house up." - Christine, mother of 2 grown up boys
"When they grow up they have fewer problems, but the problems are bigger." - Martin, father to 2 grown up boys
Then tonight before I taught yoga I sat with big boy and we 'played lego' then he asked if we could watch 'the internet is made of cats' - google it, honestly you won't be sorry. We laughed and played together and it made me believe - just for a moment - that I might just be doing something right.
I'm working on having more 'lego and internet cats' moments and fewer of the 'spilled milk' ones.
Wish me luck :)