Saturday 13 September 2014

Siblings wanted - preferably twins (a wish from my son)

Will you be my brother ?
This afternoon my boy said he wanted another swing. He has one in the garden already that Grandma gave him when he was little. It's one of those that adjusts to suit a growing child and he loves it. He wasn't asking me to replace it, but to get an additional one, "for my sister or brother." I smiled and said we'd see. Later at bedtime I asked him about his request and he said he'd like a sister called Topsy - he is obsessed with twins and especially Topsy and Tim from Cbeebies. He also said we could get bunk beds like the ones we had on holiday at Coombe Mill in the summer. I gave him an extra big squeeze and said goodnight.

When I went downstairs I was not in a good way. I get clumsy when I'm upset or angry and I was dropping things and just a bit disoriented. You see he is not an only child out of choice. We would love to have more children. It is our sincerest wish for him to have a sibling if not more than one. We tried from when he was a few months old. I fell pregnant when he was two, but it was not to be. Then we decided to go ahead with our second attempt at adoption. As he is almost 4 he was also involved in this process and the social worker talked to him about his expectations. He became excited at all this talk of a brother or sister - not a baby, but another playmate and someone to even the odds in the house. If he had an ally he'd stand a better chance of outwitting his parents. The cat is a great pal, but he's no good in an argument.

Then it all went quiet. He hasn't seen the social worker for months and there has been no further news about a brother or sister. He's at a new nursery where his classmates have older siblings and baby siblings and he notices. His teacher has said - more than once - that his inability to share may be because he doesn't have anyone to share with at home. It's not exactly subtle. It's not his fault - he does try and he is lovely with younger children. When we went for a swimming lesson the other day one of the other children had their baby sibling there too. While he waited for all the other children to get dressed my boy stood at the side of the pram looking at the baby inside. He caught me watching him and I smiled at him, he didn't smile back.

It's ok little buddy, I'll be your brother
I feel sad for my boy because he would dearly love not to be an only child. He has no cousins and is always around adults - apart from at school of course. His speech is amazing, he is entertaining and amusing, but he really wants some company from his own peer group. I wish there was a simple way to make this all better. To say. "yes son, you will have a sister and she will be here soon." It may not happen, but I do hope it does.

My boy will be a great big brother. He's already told me he will share his toys, look after the new family member and show them how to take care of the cat. If these aren't great reason to join us, I can't think of any better ones.

12 comments:

  1. I so hear you. My daughter is 5 and is now asking 4 - 5 times a day. Often for twins (named Charlotte and Bruno). But I'm a single mum. And not in a long term relationship. I desparately want her to have a sibling, and to be honest I'm desparate to have another baby but not quite sure when or how either. The best advice I've been given is to tell them that you'd love that too and you wish you could magic one up for them, but as you can't you'll both just have to hope for the best. It's heartbreaking and I so feel for you.

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  2. Found you via Mumsnet. I'm in a pretty similar position. Took me a long time to produce DS and there's no chance of another pregnancy, so am looking at adoption but we're potentially about to move back to UK from abroad so having a dilemma whether to start adoption process here (could take 4 years start to finish) or wait till we get back to UK.
    DS hasn't mentioned siblings much (and I haven't either for fear of putting ideas into his head that we can't fulfil) but I really feel he would love a brother or two (or perhaps that's just me...)

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  3. I've got tears in my eyes reading this, because you sound so like me. My lovely boy will be 7 next birthday and he has been asking for a sister (a brother would do, but he really wants a sister) since he was 4. Thinking of you, and of both our sons, and hoping they won't always be lonely x

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  4. I would love more children but after 2 IVF attempts and a miscarriage I’ve stopped actively trying. I have one lovely child. She still asks for a brother or sister but I’ve had to tell her now that it won’t happen. This post has made me tearful and emotional. However, I’m very lucky. It took more than 4 years to get the one child I have. I don’t want her childhood effected by me getting all upset or wondering what would be or how things could be better. I feel guilty about not providing a sibling. But again, I don’t want our lives ruled by this. There are worse things that have happened and I think you have to come to terms with your situation. And enjoy what you’ve got. There are advantages to being an only child – I think you need to look on the positive side, especially at those times when you’re feeling a bit low/guilty/concerned. The fact you are feeling those things makes you a good parent, and your child is lucky to have you.

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  5. I wish I could say something more profound, or helpful in some way, but I completely understand. It helps me to know that I'm not the only person who would love to have another child as much, if not more, for my existing child as for myself. I hope you, and your son, get your dreams.

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  6. That's a tough one - I so very much hope it works out for you. I was in a similar situation - first baby no problem, followed by two miscarriages, chemotherapy for breast cancer, a couple more miscarriages, and realising that fertility was pretty much gone. Adoption is extremely hard to do in NZ (very few non-family adoptions any more). IVF not an option either. So we have stayed a one child family - my daughter was three when this all started, she's ten now. She has had major phases of asking for siblings and I know that although she doesn't talk about it so much now, it's still something she would have liked. It's been tough. But over several years I've come to terms with it and got to focusing on all the positives we have with our little family. Not that one is better than the other, just that I got to the point where I needed to get on with making the most of our situation rather than wanting something that wasn't going to happen - and was making me less present for what I already had. So hang in there, I hope it works out, but if you do stay a one child family honestly your little boy and your family sounds lovely.

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  7. This is the most beautiful post. I totally feel your pain as we are in a similar situation ourselves. Fingers crossed for your adoption journey

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  8. I can feel the pain in your post. I too lost a sibling for my girl when she was 21 mo, and though she never knew, every time she spoke about wanting a sister or brother my heart broke a little bit. I am amazed at how strong your post sounds - well done on remaining strong and unembittered at the stupid, awful cruelty of fertility problems. I hope that you will find a way fulfil your dream to extend your family one way or another.

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  9. I have exactly the same situation as you and it's heartbreaking :( my son is now almost 6 and we have had no luck. He keeps asking but all I can say is 'hopefully one day'

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  10. I'm in the identical situation. He knows we're talking to a lady about maybe getting him a little brother or sister, and strongly recommends a little brother. At almost 4, he sees all the little siblings accompanying his friends and wonders why he cant have one. When we come back from riotous and joyful playdates at friends' crowded houses, I try to fill the quietness of our house with boisterous roughhousing and music. But eventually I have to make his tea, and the little figure playing Lego alone seems to be surrounded by the ghosts of all the babies we lost. Good luck with your adoption plans and here's to an end to solitary car journeys alone on the back seat and well-behaved meal times...

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  11. I saw this pop up on mumsnet and had to come over! My son is an only child too, because I cannot face pregnancy again and with my husband having major health issues lately too we can't even consider adoption right now. Whilst I know the decision is the right one for us, my heart still aches and I dread a day when my son asks about siblings! My heart goes out to you and your son, it is so hard sometimes xx

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  12. Oh wow, this made me cry. As a curious lurker wandering over from Mumsnet as part of tonight's procrastination I was not expecting these feelings! I hope everything works out for your family.

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