Monday 9 March 2020

Bulletproof and other myths.

Over the years I've frequently been told I come across as 'bulletproof.' I'm not sure why that is - maybe I'm not meek enough to pass as a typical asian woman. My own mother doesn't pass as quiet so there's no hope that I would. As a kid I aspired to be like the beautiful actresses in movies with their downcast eyes and quivering lips. It was a look that said, "I am so innocent, but sexy too."

black and white image of Bollywood actress Meena Kumari in full traditional Indian dress
Meena Kumari 
The phrase, 'you're strong, you can handle it' has been levelled at me many times. The thing is while I might talk a good game and wear a t shirt that bears the legend 'Mother of dragons' I'm playing a part. Oh yes I will absolutely tear apart anyone who touches my kids. However, I'm equal parts Tiger Mama and terrified of everything mother.

Woman and small child dressed as Harry Potter character

Like most women of my acquaintance I've been called aggressive. I used to tell myself to be less outspoken. I'd wish I said less or just knew when to shut up. I tried to adhere to the adage, 'better be silent and thought a fool than speak and confirm it." Only I always had to say my piece. I still punish myself for speaking my mind. I go over the conversations in my head and think about all the ways it could have gone differently if I'd said less.

Still from Carry on Screaming of Fenella Fielding character lying on chair.

The distance between what I want to be and what I am is one I am trying to bridge. I've had to negotiate the transition from being someone's wife and knowing what that meant and where we were heading to a future without any certainty at all. Instead of seeing this a a bad thing I've decided to see this as freedom.

Anything is possible. I don't have the weight of anyone else's expectations on me any more. It is all up to me. I can choose. So what are the dreams and ambitions I have for myself ?

1. To do the things I love - that includes swimming in the sea and spending time with this lovely lady:

two women on rocks by sea driving coffee out of mud and thermos.
Gorgeous Pippa from Penzance :) 
2. Being sassy - full on flounce and attitude to match. Sequins optional:

Beyonce dressed in sequins and with sass gif
Yass !! 
3. Celebrating my inner silly - actual total ridiculousness:

Woman standing behind poster with buns in place of boobs
Check out the buns ! 
4. Never being afraid of my darker side. Embracing the pain and difficulty without it consuming me or taking over:

Amy Winehouse sitting in a window with light surrounding her

5. Using my voice for good. Sharing music, positive intentions and using the platform I have to do good for others:
Woman in leather jacket in radio studio looking into camera
Hey DJ !
6. Finally giving thanks. For the kind thoughts and deeds that others have directed towards me. Gratitude enables us to radiate love and kindness:

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