Sunday 24 March 2019

Yes sir that's my baby

Do you remember what you were doing 4 years ago ? Is it a crystal clear memory of how you were feeling ? Was there a sense of importance about it ? I only ask because I know for a fact that we were preparing for a huge event in our lives - one that would change everything. It's not exactly etched in my mind as seared into my skin and the very fibre of my being. It wasn't just a moment though, it was a series of meetings and conversations. Everything was planned out and we were given a timetable to follow. I arranged childcare for Brown Bear and we went for the first meeting. 

Driving to the house was nerve wracking. We knew it was going to be fine, but had no idea what to expect. At first we drove past the house and had to come back and park outside as we were a bit early. Eventually we knocked on the door and waited for it to open. A familiar face welcomed us and we were led to the back room where he was waiting. He looked like the photo we had seen, but in 3D he was a bit different too. He was too shy to come over to us so we sat on the sofa and smiled at his as he clung to the foster carer's leg and looked at us. She explained softly that we had come to see him. He eventually came closer and picked up a photo book we had prepared. He pointed at it to show he knew it was us. He had a dummy in his mouth and a toy dog is his hands. He didn't let go of either. I sat very still just taking it all in. I didn't want to startle him. Like a tiny bird or a mythical creature. Hubbie was braver than me and managed to get him involved in a game on the floor. I watched them play and felt my heart swell with each breath. He was real. We were here. This was really happening. 

We had told Brown Bear we were going to see his brother and would tell him everything when he came home from nursery. He was desperate to meet him, but the rules were that we meet him first and slowly introduce the boys to each other. I took photos of Blue Bear and even a few short video clips of his gurgling laughter. I didn't dare get too close in case. I gave him the toy bus we had bought for him. Then he went out into the corridor and was pushing it along the floor towards the front door. I sat on the bottom stair and watched him. Hoping he would want to get close to me, but not daring to presume. He came closer and I gave him a tentative hug. I joked that he wasn't going out with us today, but another time. 

The 2 hours went so fast. We thanked the foster family and said "bye bye" to him. He waved at us and we went back to the car. The whole drive home we talked about how amazing he was and how much Brown Bear would love to meet him. I was overwhelmed by how much I felt for him already and couldn't wait to see him again the next day. Each day we stayed a bit longer. On one day we gave him a bath and got him ready for bed. He cried so much that eventually we called the foster carer in as he was clearly far too distressed to settle down. It was heartbreaking to leave him this way, but we knew it was going to take time. The next day we brought Brown Bear along to meet his brother. We all went to the park and played in the sunshine - it wasn't warm, but it was sunny. The boys played and hugged and as we left Brown Bear said, "Why can't he come home with us ?" We explained he would visit us at home the next day and come to live with us at the end of the week. 

On his first visit to our home it was as if he already lived here. He walked in and greeted the cat. He went into the toy room and found things to play with. We gave him some lunch and he had a nap on me in the afternoon. As I felt him snuggle into my shoulder I relaxed a bit. This was ok. He was gorgeous and he would be fine. We had to take Blue Bear back to his foster carers and Brown Bear said bye to him and stayed home with my sister. As we took his back he looked out of the window of the car and I just watched him. This beautiful boy, quiet and thoughtful. The dummy in his mouth all the time. His eyes taking in every little thing. When we dropped him off he waved at us. He didn't cry though. I wanted to, but I knew this was irrational as he would be with us very soon. 

When we got home I went in to see Brown Bear and to give him a hug before he went to sleep. "I miss him." he said. "I know baby. I do too." "When is he coming to live here." "Soon darling. Soon." 

And then he did. 

4 years have passed and we know he was always meant to be here. 

My baby boy. Brown Bear's brother. My beloved son. 

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