Sunday, 20 January 2019

Here comes the sun...

This weekend I'm on my own. On Friday I drove 300 miles away from home and am staying in a flat by the sea. Sleeping as much as I want. Only eating if I feel like it - and not cooking at all. In contact with people I want to be in contact with. I've seen a few people, but mostly I'm just enjoying some solitude. Instead of feeling guilty and missing my kids, I've spoken to them and I know they are happy and well.

It was the anniversary of the death of my friend on Friday and I went to see her partner. We had a nice lunch, complimented each other and laughed as we recounted lovely stories about Soraya. I knew this was going to be an emotive time. It was all a bit last minute really. My friend Pippa was running a new year one day retreat and I said I'd love to come. I mentioned it to Hubbie and he said he had plenty of plans with the boys so it was fine. It took some logistical planning - and an unscheduled visit to the vet in the morning - but it came together beautifully.

The first thing I did was greet the sea when I arrived

Driving for six hours gives you time to think. The transition from a difficult week (or two) at work to a weekend of 'me time' was fairly seamless. As I drove in the dark I listened to the radio and let go of the stuff that I can't do anything about right now. I knew I'd be doing some wonderful yoga with Leif in the morning so getting sleep was my priority. However, when I arrived I wasn't tired or hungry. I explored Penzance a bit and said hello the sea. Unpacked my things and made myself a cuppa. When I went to bed I propped the door open - in case the kids woke up. Habits are hard to break aren't they ? When I woke up at some ridiculous time I just went back to sleep.

In the morning I went for a run 

I realise that taking a weekend for myself so far away is self-indulgent and I appreciate that I am so very lucky to be able to do this. I love Cornwall and have a small group of friends here now and it was so lovely when I was sitting on the yoga mat and a woman came over to me beaming and we shared a huge hug. I "know" Katy sort of, but we didn't know we'd both be at this retreat. It felt so good to have the familiar faces and the beautiful location with the sea just in view and the sun and rain taking turns outside the windows.

I did some beautiful relaxing yoga

It was a few years ago I did this for the first time and I remember being filled with guilt. I was convinced I was failing as a mum and it weighed heavy on me. That time with other mums gave me strength. I spent time in nature - walking along the sea - and in my own company. The themes I found in common with others included loneliness. Being a stay at home parent was isolating. Yet I had forgotten how to enjoy my own company. I'm rediscovering what that is like now.

We watched dolphins from here

The simple joy of sitting at the kitchen table, looking out of the window, listening to the Archers with seagulls in the background (in real life not on the radio). I've been for a walk and it's a gorgeous day. Bright and sunny with just a little breeze. Yesterday evening I sat on the prom with Pippa watching dolphins splashing in the sea as the sun went down. Yes it's been sunny here. In January. The dolphins were a delightful surprise. It's like a reward for taking time for me.

This lovely lady inspires me to be brave 

 I have one more adventure today before I drive back. It's a brave, crazy thing that I'm doing with my lovely friend Pippa. I'll tell you about it later.

Wish me luck !

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