Sunday, 1 July 2018

I wanna hold your hand

I woke up tired today. Right to the core of my bones tired. I was supposed to go for a run, but I knew it wasn't going to happen in the morning. I also knew that Blue Bear was in need of my care and attention today having been very unwell for the last two days. We were supposed to visit my parents today, but Hubbie had already said it probably wasn't a good idea to take Blue as he wouldn't be up to it. He was right. There I said it. It's out there in the world. Hubbie is the voice of reason when I am driven by guilt to go ahead with things even when they are not a good idea. Hubbie and Brown Bear went to visit the family and I stayed home with Blue Bear and we took the day slowly. We watched Paddington 2, painted a dinosaur (don't ask) and spent some time in the garden together. It was lovely and soothing and just what we both needed.

There are a few scenes in the movie that Blue Bear finds sad. When Paddington is sent to prison and is alone, when the Browns appear to forget about him and when he is thinking about Aunt Lucy. I asked him if he was ok and he said he was. I even managed to encourage him to eat something - two bags of popcorn and some toast seeing as you asked. There are a lot of bits that make me cry, but one in particular is when he is trapped under water and Mrs Brown can't free him. She reaches in and holds his paw. I asked Blue for a cuddle at that point. He sat back into my arms and I held him close, my eyes thick with tears.


When Blue Bear first came to us he slept in the cot right next to me in bed. He would reach his hand out to see if I was there and I would hold his hand until he fell asleep. During the night I would stay close the the cot so he would know I was there if he woke up, which he did frequently. Earlier today we dropped off Brown Bear and Hubbie at the station and on the way there Blue wasn't feeling well. Brown Bear held his brother's hand to help him feel better. It's something Hubbie has always done and I think it's lovely. If he can see someone is upset or hurt he will say, "squeeze my hand," it really helps.

When I was single the thing I missed was touch. Not in a sexual way you understand. I mean the intimacy of holding hands, or gently stroking an arm. Arms around me while I slept. All those tiny gestures that are almost unconscious. When I walk past Hubbie I always touch him (not like that you dirty monkey !) and sometimes I will ask him to stop what he's doing so we can hug. The kids are appalled of course. They also get stroked on the face or kissed on the head if I'm passing. At night I go into their rooms and kiss them and stroke their heads while they sleep. Last night Blue Bear smiled and Brown Bear slightly opened his eyes then went back to sleep. I hope that even in deep sleep the comfort is there.

As I type this Neo is lying next to me. He loves being stroked and when the boys are close enough he 'kisses' them on the head. I like to think that all the touch and closeness is filling up our tanks so that we have comfort enough to see us through the difficult days. Blue has been asking me about his early life lately. "Where did I live when I was a baby Mummy ?" "Who did I live with ?" I answer him and then we hug. That seems to be working for us both so far.


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