Things I've asked Hubbie this week...

that prove - beyond reasonable doubt - that we are meant to be.

If for no other reason than no one else would have us.

The other night: 

Me: when will Brown Bear be old enough to watch Father Ted ?
Him: What ?
Me: Well I think he's going to love it and it's hilarious. Not rude or too adult.
Him: *just looks at me*

At 6am the other morning: 

Me: Where is my towel ?
Him: On the washing line
Me: Still ?
Him: Yes
Me: That's 2 days now.
Him: ...
Me: Where are you going ?
Him: To get your towel off the line.

On the phone earlier today: 

Me: Shall we do something while the kids are away next week ?
Him: Aren't we going to the theatre already ?
Me: Yeah, but I mean maybe go for a swim together ?
Him: Oh that sounds nice.
Me: And we could order a takeaway
Him: Really ?
Me: Yeah. It's an annual event so let's go for it.
Him: Now that is a brilliant idea
Me: *smile to myself*

My phone rings at 8am: 

Me: Is everything ok ?
Him: Did you take the scooters out of the car this morning ?
Me: Dammit I forgot !
Him: Oh good. I thought they'd been stolen from the doorstep.
Me: We live in Croydon, not the Bronx (ok I admit I may have just thought this).

At 2am:

Me: Why are you awake ?
Him: I don't feel too well
Me: What happened ?
Him: I think the microwaved burger I had at football disagreed with me.
Me: It didn't occur to you that might not be a great idea ?
Hubbie: Nah.
Me: *roll my eyes and go back to sleep*

One evening: 

Me: do you want some chocolate ?
Him: Always
Me: Ok here's where it's kept - you can help yourself.
Him: What ? (looks aghast)
Me: Well after 14 years together I figure that you can be trusted
Him: I'm not sure I can
Me: I have faith in you
Him: *shakes his head*

It's a funny thing marriage isn't it ?

I had blonde ambition because of Madonna

How is it possible that Madonna is 60 today ? I mean I realise it's perfectly normal and had they lived Prince and Michael Jackson would also be looking at cashing in their over 50s plans and popping out for the early bird oap special in the local Harvester. I guess I just don't see Madonna as 'older' and of course 60 is no longer old anyway.

I've loved her since I was a teenager and was influenced by her in so many ways. The hair; rags, curly and messy, the platinum blonde phase I wish I could have carried off. The fashion; thrift store clothing, ankle boots, leather and lace. The attitude, her perseverance and  let's face it the self confidence. Of course she has her faults - who doesn't ? - but I honestly believe the influence she has had on many women (and men) of my generation is profound. So here - in no particular order - are my top ten reasons for celebrating Madonna.

1. She is a genuine poor kid made good. She literally went from rags to riches. Ok the rags were in her hair, but you get the point.

2. Mads is a fierce advocate of the gays - ok she wasn't the first, but she certainly wasn't shy about talking about sexuality. When her book 'Sex' was published my friend Jo pre-ordered it and when it was delivered we sat in her bedroom at uni looking through the photos in awe even though most of them had already been published by papers to prove how depraved she was.

3. I made my family come home early from temple one Sunday afternoon so I could watch the Blonde Ambition tour on an italian cable channel. I can't believe my Mum actually did that for me.

4. She is fluent in French and Italian - this woman is no thickie. She sent her kids to a french speaking school and values education very highly.

5. As a parent M is very strict - I like that she doesn't take any crap from her kids. It's far too easy to give your kids everything when you are loaded, it's much more difficult to say no.

6. Talking of saying which - Madonna doesn't need anyone to like her. Remember that scene in the movie 'Truth or Dare' ? Where Kevin Costner comes to see her backstage and she makes a gag face ? See she don't give a damn.

7.  As a business woman she has built an empire and maintained it. Other singers have been ripped off by accountants, record companies and even their partners, but M takes no shit from nobody. (sic)

8. Her acting is abysmal, but I did really enjoy her turn as Karen's flakey roomate in Will and Grace. It was self-effacing and hilarious.

9. When Madonna falls in love she gives it all she's got. Famously her love for Sean Penn has never really gone away. She turned herself into an English lady for Guy Ritchie. For a woman who is so strong and independent she falls hard for the men she loves.

10. The woman can dance. That is all. Watch any pop starlet and you will see her moves all over them.

So those are the highlights from my history with Madonna. It's not an exhaustive list by any means. I mean I didn't even talk about the music videos (stunning), the chameleon-like style changes (epic), the adoptions (best not), the feuds with other singers (legendary) and the fact that even after all these years she's still able to terrify with a look. I can't help, but admire the woman for that.

You want me to put my boobs where ?

There are a few things that I have observed about getting older - I mean proper older not that "Oh I can't believe I'm going to be 30 next birthday" kind of rubbish. This is the realistion that two years from now I'm going to be 50. Oh shit ! What on earth have I done with all these years so far ? Well, a fair bit really. It's what's to come that fascinates me now.

I always took it for granted that I would grow old with my friend Soraya. We had our kids older than most women we know so shared a loathing of all things aimed at, 'yummy mummies.' When we were both back at work after maternity leave we used to go for a run at lunchtime. It was less about fitness and more about plodding round Green Park while having a natter and a catch up. One weekend while driving somewhere - probably to visit the in-laws - she phoned me. It wasn't unusual for us to have a chat outside of work, but it was often futile as one or other of us would be on the move. She told me that she had something to tell me and she was sorry not to tell me in person, but wanted me to  know something. I knew it wasn't going to be good news. It wasn't. Soraya had breast cancer. She apologised to me - I told her not to be so daft. Then we talked about all the practical things that she had to do, the treatment plan, the time off work, etc. I offered my help with anything at all. She thanked me and we went about our business.

Once the treatment started we would talk about how it was going. When anyone 'helpfully' suggested some woo-woo solution like herbs or light healing we'd have an expletive filled conversation about it. I mean me and Hubbie had heard all that guff when were told we would never have children. Shamanic drumming, acupuncture, sound healing, all sorts of magical waters to bathe in and even some specific foods were all suggested. When anyone told Soraya that this thing was better for her than chemotherapy we would discuss how, "it would be lovely to bathe in marshmallows, but I'll take the poison that has a chance of killing the cancer thanks." At one point she told me how guilty she felt about the 'poison' and I told her to stop thinking of it that way and to see it as medicine that was working for her and not against her. We spoke about hair loss and how crap she felt after chemo.

Then the treatment was done and it was the waiting game until she had the 'all clear.' There were check ups and after effects and the constant fear that any twinge or headache was a sign of something far more serious. Two years ago she had a pain in her spine that wouldn't go away. Whenever I talked to her we were baffled that her doctors weren't taking it seriously considering her health history. Then a year ago she paid privately for an MRI and it showed she had a tumour on her spine. That's what was causing the pain. She was livid - understandably. We talked about what was to come next. Radiotherapy this time and she told people in stages that she had secondary cancer. She had the overseas holiday she'd wanted for years. We went to the theatre and spent time making radio shows together. Every time we met we would hug like long lost sisters and it was magic. It was her last year of life - even though we didn't know that at the time. I am so grateful I spent as much time with her as I did, albeit by accident rather than design.

So why is this on my mind right now ? Well a couple of reasons, but I'll tell you just one of them for now. About a month ago I was called for a mammogram. My first thought was, hang on who's going to go with me ? Don't get me wrong I am perfectly capable of going to appointments by myself. However, in this case it was one we had already discussed. Whenever Soraya had a check up I'd offer to go with her. We agreed when it was my turn she would do the same. I told Hubbie and he said he'd go with me. It was a lovely gesture, but when we arrived were told it is a women only clinic and he had to wait outside - fair enough. As I sat in the waiting room making small talk with the nurse I felt the panic begin. Not for me - that wasn't the issue at all. It was fear that the sadness would rise and overwhelm me. It wasn't via breast screening that she found out about her cancer. She did have a lot of them afterwards during remission though. We joked about the 'boob sandwich' and how only a man could have created such an instrument of torture. As I repeated the same joke to the kindly nurse who undertook the exam my face hurt from trying not to cry. Then it was over and I went to work.

The results came two weeks later. All fine.

Not everyone is so lucky. For anyone who has had different news I am thinking of and holding you right now.

Things I learned about my boy this week

Blue Bear is almost five. It's a bit of a shock to realise he's going to be in reception in September and that he is a fully fledged kid now. Not a baby or a toddler, but a proper little boy. He can say so much more now and I find conversations with him are great fun. When I went to pick him up from the childminder the other evening he came to the door holding a box and as he opened it he said. "Ta-daaa !" and revealed the contents (which included slugs - eww !!) to me. He has a sense of drama, timing and knows how to create interest. It made me smile and I still do when I think about it.

He stayed with my parents this weekend while I moved his bed into the same room as his brother so they now share. When he got home he walked in and said, "Wow ! It's great Mummy. I lub it." He has a cute way of saying love and I hope he continues with it for a while.

Yesterday Hubbie was cutting the grass and Blue Bear said, "Daddy shall I bring my leaf barrow ?" He went to the back garden, found his toy wheelbarrow and brought it to the front to help gather up the trimmings to put into the green waste bin. Later I looked outside to see him crouched down watching as Daddy cleaned and repaired bikes. It was such a lovely father and son moment I just enjoyed it rather than trying to take a photo.

Today when he got home from my parents' house he asked me how Neo was. I told him he was ok and he went over to see him. He got down to the cat's level and I heard him say, "I missed you Neo," and he cuddled him. It was so sweet. I'm sure Neo missed the boys too - he does look lost when they aren't here.

Whenever I am outside running or walking home if I see an acorn, a conker or a pretty leaf I pick it up for Blue Bear. He loves nature and being outside. I saw a ladybird on the kitchen floor the other day and called Blue over to see it. He came in and was delighted to see it inside his house. Daddy offered to put it outside and Blue told him he wanted it to stay inside to keep it safe. We agreed it would be happier outside and he asked Daddy to be gentle.

The other day when the boys were eating their tea for some reason we were talking about family and Blue asked about his 'first mummy." I said I didn't know her, but we could ask 'Auntie' - his foster carer - about her. He nodded and got on with dipping chips in ketchup.

When I was arranging the childcare for this weekend I told my sister that Blue Bear is really good fun and she'd have a good time with him. She sent me a whatsapp message this afternoon praising his behaviour and how well he got on with his cousin. It made my heart sing to hear that.

Earlier when I picked up Brown Bear from scout camp I was called aside to hear the usual litany of things he did wrong. It made me sad. So much so that when we came home and were watching The Greatest Showman I kept bursting into tears. The emotional fallout of having my sons away for the weekend is plenty to deal with. When they get home I just want to hug and hold them - which they won't let me do for much longer anyway.

Oh well, I still have Neo to cuddle when the mum hormones kick in big time.

I run therefore I am (out of breath !)

This morning I opened the curtains a little bit in our bedroom to check the weather outside. The flat roof was wet with rain. Rats ! My training plan said to do a 35 minute easy run today. It's been so hot and sunny I've been going out early in the morning to avoid the hottest temperatures. Today, however, I kept waiting for it to stop raining. We took the boys swimming and had an indoor picnic with some friends from Blue Bear's nursery class. I kept checking outside if the rain had stopped. It hadn't. In the end Hubbie said, "it's going to stop later." I think he just wanted me to go out as I'd been in a foul mood all day. As soon as I was outside I felt better. This training lark isn't so bad. To be honest the half marathon I'm training for is in the middle of October so the chances of it raining are pretty high. If I can get used to running in the wet weather it may well work in my favour.

So I'm a month into my training plan and what can I tell you ? Bear in mind I'm no athlete, but I have some tips I can share.

1. Remember what motivates you. 

In January I lost a great friend and it was a shock and it hurt like hell. I had to do something to remember her and to make sense of the loss. I cut off my hair and donated it to Little Princess Trust to make wigs for children living with hair loss from cancer. People were amazing in sponsoring me to do it and the money went to Macmillan Cancer support. I also decided to run a half marathon to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. It was one of the things I felt I could do. In the futility of grief and loss it was something at least. On days like today when it's easier to stay indoors in the dry I remember why I'm doing this and I put on my trainers and get out there.

2. Have a 'beginner's mind.'

In yoga we use the phrase 'beginner's mind' to remind ourselves to practice with humility and with certainty that we don't know everything. It does us good to go back to the time before we knew what we were doing and to experience things as if for the first time. I am not new to running, by any means, but I am new to a half marathon and for me this a genuine challenge. I am pushing myself to do this and I am finding as I age it's more difficult to do the things that were easier before. The training plan I am following is a beginners' plan. I have no pride in taking it slowly. Which brings me to...

3. Take it nice and easy.

Years ago I listened to an interview on Radio 4 about running. In it the expert said that the best advice was to take it slowly. I have always remembered this when I've taken up running again. It's easy to go too fast to start with and end up with a stitch. I may not be the fastest, but I keep going. That's all I'm aiming for. I always remember that however far I've run I still have to get home, that reminds me to pace myself. It's not like going to the gym and running on a treadmill - which I've enjoyed doing in the past. I used to plug in headphones and watch a TV show. It made the time pass. Now I try and find different routes and times of day to keep things fresh.

4. Always take the weather with you.

I've run in most weather conditions. Once when I was staying in Brighton I went out running in high winds and it was bitter cold. The sea foam kept blowing onto my bare arms and stinging. I got back from that run breathless, pink in the cheeks and on a endorphin high you wouldn't believe. Over the winter months I was running with a thermal layer on and a hat to keep my head from getting cold. I've been running in the hot weather these last few weeks and it's tough, but also really wonderful to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I run and the lightest breeze makes all the difference. This evening I went out in the rain. A light smattering at first then later full on with rain dripping off my hair into my eyes. It was wonderful. Embrace whatever the weather brings and see how it feels. There is no right or wrong, there's just getting out there and doing it.

5. The post run high rocks ! 

However crap I feel before I go for a run I always feel better afterwards. No not better, I feel amazing. I have to exercise. It's not optional for me. Firstly there's a lot of medical stuff in my family (diabetes, heart disease, obesity, etc.) so I exercise to stave off any chance of it happening to me. Secondly, it's a way to keep myself stable. Just like I run the kids around to let off steam I have to do the same for myself. If I don't I get tense and it builds up into anxiety/stress. Running is a quick fix. Lastly it's easy to just put on training shoes and go outside and run. I used to feel really self-conscious about going outside to run. I worried about what other people thought and how I looked. Now I look at the scenery, imagine the playlist in my head. I never wear headphones when I'm running. I want to be fully aware at all times. I want to take it all in. I greet dogs that are walking and say hello to other runners. It's no big thing.

I'm not going to win any medals, but that's ok. This is about a mother of two who is almost 50 pushing myself to do more than I think I can. It's also about having something to aim for. Of course if it also means I get to fit into a smaller size then that's a bonus isn't it ?

I'm raising money for Macmillan - if you can sponsor me that would be fab - the link to my fundraising page is here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/runswazi

Rhapsody on Blue

Last week the boys were at summer camp. The manager told me one afternoon when I picked them up that every day Blue Bear warmed their hearts with his big smile and enthusiasm. They would always get into the car chattering away about their day then within minutes of getting indoors they would argue, someone would cry (usually Brown Bear, sometimes Blue Bear and on the worst occasions me) and it was a race against time to get food on the table before the apocalypse occured. I remember the first Summer holiday after Blue came to live with us. I was at home so couldn't justify sending them to camp. Instead I tried to keep them both occupied and more importantly apart. We booked our usual week in Cornwall and stayed at Coombe Mill where the boys fed the animals every morning and rode on the mini train every afternoon. It was in Cornwall that we discovered Blue Bear's love of animals, especially dogs. On subsequent visits he would bottle feed a goat and hold a carrot for a donkey to eat.

A lot of momentous events have occured when we've been in Cornwall. It was when we stayed at Coombe Mill for Christmas that we received an email from the social worker with a photo of a blue eyed little boy and a bit of information about him. I spoke to Hubbie and then showed Brown Bear and he asked, "who is that ?" I told him and asked if he wanted to be his brother. "Yes, he looks like me doesn't he ?" "He does baby." We had no idea that the next day we would receive an email saying he was no longer an option and to forget about him. I couldn't forget this little boy though. His beautiful face. That serious expression. I didn't want to forget about him.

Thankfully I didn't have to and during the Easter holidays he came to live with us. We took him on his first holiday to Cornwall the following July. He was nervous about the other children and kept close holding mine or Daddy's hand. He loved feeding the animals, but didn't want to drive the tractor. Where Brown Bear would make friends and go off to do his own thing, Blue would stay close to us and didn't want to stray too far from our sides.

This afternoon I watched as Brown Bear showed Blue Bear how to push the pedals on the electric bikes to make them go. With the payment tokens put in they both went round the track carefully and accurately. Brown waited for his brother so they could ride round together and it was so sweet. We have seen so many milestones on these annual visits and this week is no exception. I've seen a confidence and a cheekiness that is heartwarming. This afternoon the boys were in the back of the car chattering away and - for a change - not arguing. I quietly commented to Hubbie that it was lovely. We spoke too soon - of course - as within seconds Blue was screaming because Brown was prodding him.

A few days earlier we had all gone to the beach and friends had taken body boards. Brown Bear had a surfing lesson two years ago with me and loved it. This time we figured that some fun splashing around in the shallow end would suffice. When I went over to see how they were getting on Blue Bear was having great fun and trying the board. The same little boy who was scared of the water and wouldn't go into the sea the first time we came to the beach. I watched him do so many things that day and noticed how brave he has become. Some of this is because Brown Bear is fearless and competitive and Blue Bear wants to be just like his brother. In no small part, though, it's because he knows it is safe to take risks and we will be there for him. He trusts us.

The other day the boys were staying with family members while me and Hubbie had a weekend away together. I phoned Blue Bear to see how he was doing and was taken aback at how chatty he was. He explained that he'd been painting with Grandma, watered the plants and that Missy (the cat) had even hung around - she usually runs off. He had chicken dippers for tea and was going to have an ice cream for pudding. Once he'd given me the full report he announced, "I going now, bye Mummy." This is the little boy who barely spoke and now he's holding conversations with me.

We were sitting at the table yesterday eating lunch and Brown Bear had gone to get something and Daddy had gone to the car. I smoothed Blue Bear's head and kissed him softly. He smiled. I did it again. He leaned into me a bit more. I laughed and kept giving him gentle kisses on his face.
"Mummy when you kiss me I stop eating."
"Am I putting you off ?"
"Yes."
"Sorry."
"Keep doing it."
We both laughed. Brown Bear came back and asked what was so funny. Blue Bear finished his chips and we walked back to the car to join Daddy.

At one point today Brown Bear came over to hug me - Blue Bear went to hug him. Hubbie picked up his phone and managed to capture the moment. When I looked at the photo I saw my gorgeous boys and the smile of love and happiness on my face. As I told a friend of mine later, this is all I ever wanted from parenthood. Children with ice cream all over their faces and huge smiles. Ok, it's not often, but just sometimes it's plenty.

The best things in life are music and kissing

Music is a big part of my life. It always has been. From the first time I heard Jesus and Mary Chain and knew that there was music for me in the world - not just the insipid pop that my contemporaries enjoyed - I was hooked. It was about so much more than just the music for me - it was the words, the artist and the fashion. I've often mentioned my love of Debbie Harry, Chrissie Hynde and Kim Gordon - beautiful women and powerful singers. I always wanted to be as amazing as they appeared to me and the fact that they are still going strong is so inspiring. It was also a valuable life lesson to have the self confidence they must have had to make such an impact in an industry that traditionally favoured men.

In the eighties Patsy Kensit was the pretty girl at the front of the band, but she was still iconic. Wendy James, however screeched like a banshee, looked hot as hell and had a punk attitude. The sentiment of this song spoke to me - even though I hadn't even been in love at this point. The idea of being with someone just for what he would spend on you seemed ridiculous to me so I love this. I remember when one of the girls in school told me how much money her boyfriend had in his bank account.  I couldn't understand why it mattered to her. All that I cared about was if a boy was a good kisser. In fact that's always been the thing that takes my breath away - a kiss to make my heart skip a beat.

Of course later on when I'd had my heart broken a few times I also discovered the women with big voices and a no nonsense attitude towards their men. Etta James' voice raised my heart rate and the brazeness of the lyrics here embarrassed me beyond belief. Even at my most confident I don't think I could express myself this honestly. It's just as well she did on my behalf. I loved that there was music out there for women who owned their sexuality and weren't afraid to say what they wanted. Let's be honest if a woman like Etta sings this to you are you going to say no ?

In my first serious relationship - and subsequent marriage - my partner would spend a lot of money on gifts. I found it a bit overwhelming as I didn't feel deserving of such generosity. It also went against my upbringing of saving money and being careful with spending. Don't get me wrong I love gifts and really enjoy spoiling others. More often than not that will be something I know they would appreciate or they mentioned it once and I remembered. However, when it comes to me I would rather spend time with someone I love than have money or gifts. Don't get me wrong I am always grateful for kindness, it's just the cost isn't necessary. The best presents for me involve music - a gig I really want to go to or an evening in good company. It's pretty simple really.

The best thing about music is how it makes me feel. If I'm down I listen to the music that fits my mood. Ok that is wallowing, but it's also allowing me to feel the emotion and often I find a way through the heartache or loss through music. Whenever I was dealing with a break up I'd always turn to certain songs that suddenly had deep meaning for me - how did they know how it felt to be me ? Just as falling out of love is a mainstay of music there are the songs about being in love - that beginning bit where it's all wonderful and you can't wait to see each other. When every touch is like a surge of electricity just thinking about that special someone inspire feelings of love - and lets be honest lust ! It was Prince's stock in trade to create sensuous music and some of the lyrics left very little to the imagination. While it's one of the best known I still think Kiss typifies how wonderful it can be to just lock lips with someone and be lost in the moment.

I'm always going on about the movies I love and music is a major factor is what appeals to me about a film. One of my favourites is a romantic comedy which features a lot of soppy songs and I love them all. The story of two people meeting, having a magical connection and losing touch for years before finally finding each other again tugs at my heart strings. Every time I watch Serendipity I think John Cusack will get out at the right floor and meet Kate Beckinsale and they will save themselves the torturous journey to find each other again. Every time. The music is perfect with the divine voices of Annie Lennox and Nick Drake adding beauty to the simple story. However, it's this song by Shawn Colvin that completes it for me.

If I didn't have music would I be able to express myself - probably. Would it be the same as crafting a mix tape or a CD for someone - shorthand for, "here is what I feel and these words and music express it so much better than I can." Absolutely not. Sharing music with others is like a love letter. It's giving a part of myself to someone else and being vulnerable. Of course the fun and enjoyment I get from it is a bonus.